To the Man Who Kissed my Scars

It was one fine Friday after noon, we were lying on your bed. It’s a mystery how we can spend long hours just holding hands and staring at each other, telling lame stories and cracking jokes that aren’t funny that we still laugh at anyway. You were rubbing my leg with one hand and you held my hand with the other while I play with your perfectly straight hair. You gazed at me and you sat back up. I asked you why, what’s the matter? You gave me one last shy peek and there you were, uttering the words I’m afraid to hear. “I love you”.

For the first time in my life I felt frightened from the words I always admired. I wanted to build my walls that encircled me before I met you. It suffocated me. You were looking for my answers from my eyes and I couldn’t help but to look away because I’m afraid my eyes would tell you otherwise. For the first time in forever I didn’t know what to answer back. I became mute in a matter of seconds and it only took you 3 words to do that. I was startled it’s as if suddenly I am in a wild forest with all the wild animals surrounding me ready to rip me apart. “okay” . I couldn’t believe myself for saying okay. I know what I used to say, I just couldn’t say it. You looked down and I was disgusted with myself. I am sorry but this is what love left me. I’m sorry if I never heard that word for a long time it made me forget what it was. I’m sorry if I couldn’t tell you what we are. Believe me when I say I know how much it hurts when the love you give cannot be given back to you and I wanted to tell you that you don’t deserve just an okay. But okay is the only answer I can give for now.

I’m sorry for being lost. I didn’t want to be lost, someone just left me in the middle of nowhere and somehow I couldn’t find my way back. You gave me the light I needed to get me to where I am now, where we are. But I’m sorry that this is not yet the last path where I learn to say I love you back. I wanted to scream that I love you too but my throat was just too weak from screaming too much in the past. I’m sorry that you had to find me shattered into pieces and you had to cut yourself just to put me back together.

I started crying but I don’t understand why. You stood up, closed the door and left. I went to your bathroom and saw you added another toothbrush for me, a towel with my name embedded on it was carefully folded on top of yours on the rack. I washed my face in hopes that I could wake up from this awful dream. But I didn’t.

You went back with a pint of rocky road ice cream because you knew just what I needed. You laid us in bed keeping your arm wrapped around my waist while you let me help myself with the ice cream you just bought right after I responded okay when you told me you love me. I know it wasn’t fair but you didn’t care to bleed just a little more. And in that moment, even if we both knew I was scared, I didn’t want to run away.

xx

P.S

I would like to thank Thought Catalog for publishing my first ever submission. If you guys want to check it out, here’s the link http://tcat.tc/1RCOnao

 

 

 

How

How can love like this be so real

Like an eclipse in a bright afternoon

Your voice reverberates down my spine –

I almost forgot that inhaling was a necessity.

Your breath smells of morning breeze;

Suddenly it became my new favorite scent.

Your words I cannot fathom –

They rapture my being.

Pulse came faster

And faster

And faster.

Fire

We started the fire. We loved it because it warmed our skin. We tried to save it during the thunderstorm until it started to burn us. We didn’t care. Everybody is telling us it will kill the both of us if we hold on to it a little longer. We didn’t listen. Until the fire died. And so did we.

Dear Love,

Who would have thought that someone like you will come along and make my heart working again like it never stopped for so long? So perfect that I forget that I hate my big eyes and the way I walk. The perfect man, at the perfect place, and when I was the perfect version of myself. We both sleep to classic songs, we have an inexplicable admiration for abstract paintings, we actually have same opinions in almost everything.

Even our hands fit perfectly together. It’s as if God carved the gaps between your fingers just so I could rest mine in it. We both get lost by the sound of the waves in the ocean while getting vivid imaginations out of our wildest dreams together. Sharing the future only to find out that our compatibility isn’t enough to keep us together.

To the one who got away, to my sweetheart at the wrong time, although I want to say fuck the world and fuck the timing for not agreeing with our love, still, I want to say thank you. Thank you because you came at the gloomiest day of my life and bought sunshine to the room I kept dark. You came and it’s like you handed me a mirror that made me see myself. You made me love my eyes even without my eyeliner on it, you made me not fret about my small thighs that never looked good with my broad shoulders.

It’s true that I would have never loved myself if you were not there to show me how I deserved to be loved. You held my hand and made all the shivers in my spine go away and only God knows how badly I want to feel your touch again. You have no idea how your kisses blew away the hatred I kept inside me, how your words erased all my flaws, and how your touch kicked all my doubts I had in me.

Thank you for being the rainbow after my storm. I don’t understand up to now why God sent you. When I was young I was told that we have an angel and it never leaves us, but you did and there’s nothing I can do about it. We are probably one of God’s experiments, or maybe a story that didn’t really have an ending. I don’t know. All I know is that you came for a reason and whatever that reason is, I’m willing to find out. But really, thank you for picking up every pieces of me even if it cut you more than once.

You’re gone now, but all I know is that I will stay as the same girl you loved, until the time is perfect. For the meanwhile, I will keep loving myself just the way you taught me how. I will never stop believing that God took you away from me to make both of our hearts ready for the ending he’s been preparing us. And when that time comes, I’ll never let you go. we will make art and we will call it love.

Love,

The Girl You Put Up Together.

I can’t wait

I can’t wait for that time to come where your name I won’t have to mention in stories I would tell people.

I can’t wait for that time where you’re not part of every stories I have to tell.

I’m sorry but I cannot fucking wait.

Lies and the Liars who tell them.

I’m not going clean about this matter, I’m already 24 and I admit I have lied before. I mean, who haven’t? Sure I lied when I was 16 and told my parents I was going to do some school project when all I did was party all night or told my ex that that guy he was jealous of was just a friend and many more on the list. I’m not a saint. Sometimes, incidents happen and it forces us to lie to the people we love to protect them from getting hurt. But when you lie clearly because you want to take advantage of someone’s kindness then that’s a different story. And it’s even more exasperating to come from someone you’ve given your trust to when it’s hard to even trust yourself. I mean, don’t I deserve a single truth out of the trust I’ve given you? I mean, for once, just a single bit of it, don’t I?

It’s getting more and more frequent. It’s like running in circles. You get lied to, you build your walls, you meet someone who tells you they’re not going to break your trust and so you give them that, again, and then you get lied to, again. I don’t understand what’s hard in showing people “hey, this is me” “no lies, no pretend, take it or leave it” it’s pretty simple, right? I wonder why people have to hide the truth about them. I don’t trust myself sometimes and there are certain things I don’t like about myself but I show them anyway. Because that’s how you’ll know you can be accepted for who you are for those who are willing to.

So now, I’m at a point where I don’t know anymore. We now live in a world where we can’t just trust anybody. And that is plain awful. You give your whole genuine self to them hoping that somehow you’ll get the same amount of their true self back. But, you don’t.

Here I am now blankly staring at nowhere, trying to be nonchalant because wow, just wow, I wasted my time trying to get to know a person who evidently lied without me even getting the hint. Now, I’m the stupid one for not seeing it. Because fuck trust. Why do the people who trust get all the bullshit? Because why, that’s how it is? C’est la vie motherfucker, you lost! Please try trusting again later. *busy tone*

 

 

8 Things Modern Dating Taught Me

 

Let’s all admit it, there’s a time when all your friends started getting in a relationship and you’re there, sitting on your couch with a pizza on your hand feeling lonely and alone. So you go out there, nope, not outside your house but out to the virtual reality. Yes, you grab your phone and installed that dating app hoping that maybe, just maybe, you’ll find your self-worth by picking your best angled photos with an impressive description about how much you love Harry Potter and cats and who the fuck cares because all they’re going to look at is if you have big tits, a face of an angel and a body of a Victoria secret’s model. You sit there waiting for a match and when you do, your imaginary confidence meter goes up a bit. I personally tried it and these are what I learned.

 

  1. You are being liked based on how you look and believe me when I say it is more intimidating to think that when the guy you ‘super liked’ haven’t liked you back in days or worse, months you start thinking am I really that ugly? Am I not pretty enough? You see, you start feeling less of a person. But also this hot guy liked you. I mean, come on, do you really think that guy really likes you? Probably yes, because you’re cute in that pink tank top but you’re also like the 100th girl in a pink tank top he liked today. SURPRISE!!
  2. Ghosting is very common. So he messaged you, and then suddenly you noticed you have been talking consistently for over a week now, you’re so happy about how good it’s going. Until one morning, you woke up, checked your phone if he already texted, nothing. Waited until lunchtime because come on, you know he always wakes up late but still, no text. And then dinner came and still nothing. So you’re left with too many questions in your head, maybe a couple of glasses of wine too. But you see, you always end up asking yourself what you did wrong and not getting it answered because where are they now? Gone with the wind! Because accept it, that girl who’s hotter than you is just a swipe away, and yes, she has abs! duh!
  3. You don’t get called by your name. Call me old school, but wouldn’t life be so much sweeter if the guy you like would say “Hey Kim, would you want to go watch Dead Pool tonight?” but instead you get a “hey sexy, wanna smoke and a coupla hangs?” I’m not saying a night out with this guy smoking wouldn’t be fun but seriously dude? My name is just a 3 letter word. But guess what? That’s what it is! I mean, you’re on a dating app what do you expect, a romantic book reading on a hammock overlooking the sunset? Nah. Shakespear is already dead!
  4. You are easy to replace. If you don’t reply to their text right away, unmatch! If you got busy because obviously, there are far more important thing you have to do rather than wasting your time on a dating app, unmatch! Who told you they’d stop swiping right to others girls even after you both matched and already talking? That’s how the game is played.
  5. They lie about you. So you guys went out one night, then another night, and another night. Finally, he asked you if he can take you with him to his friend’s party. You said yes. And there you are being introduced. Friend #1 asks “so where did you guys meet?” he answers “oh we met just around the corner” or “we met at a bar somewhere” because Tinder or OkCupid is so desperate! And of course he doesn’t want his friends to know he’s on there.
  6. Chances are you’re not the only girl he’s going out with. Because who are you, his one true love? This isn’t a story in a book. And apparently, Colleen Hoover is not writing your love story. Stop hoping that the right guy is the one who will magically appear on your choices on that app. He might actually have an actual girlfriend, who knows?
  7. Hey, DTF? Yes! Time to wake up! This place is a pile of guys who haven’t got laid in a while. They’re either just bored people who like talking to random strangers when they’re lit or just plain horny who want to hook up.
  8. You don’t get asked how your day was. They’d simply say “hey, sup?” and when you say you’re doing good their reply would just be “ok. Nice”. What ever happened to long talks at night sharing stories and jokes that never get old? It’s very rare that you find someone who’d listen to your lame stories about how hard it is to get to the metro or how long the line was at Walmart. And when you ask them about how their day went by he’ll say it was okay and that means, I haven’t seen much girls worth swiping today.

 

So if you’re still thinking about it, forget it! You more deserve to be taken out on a nice date and not just a swipe. Do not go out there and look for your self-worth (yes I’m talking about the modern dating world). You know deep down your heart your own worth and no amount of swipe can change that. Your Father already told you that, remember? And so what if everyone on your facebook friends list are ‘in a relationship’? Believe me, you wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with that guy you met on Tinder either. A real man is out there. So go out, in the real world. Don’t rush because you know what they say “True love is worth the wait.” That guy who will call you by your name in the sweetest voice possible is just out there, and who knows? He might be in a bookstore, along the rom-com hallway where you’re at. *wink*

 

 

You are no different.

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You are no different from the moon. Sometimes I just go out there and look at you and just like the moon, you haven’t failed in leaving me breathless. Not even once. Sometimes I get scared and go back inside just so I could catch my breath again. But there are times when I just don’t care losing my breath for a while just to stare at you for a little longer.